I don’t know what to do – and it’s killing me.

I’m naturally a decisive person. I listen to the information, choose a course of action and go with it.

It’s not always a good thing. Sometimes I make up my mind too quickly and it can take me a long time to realise I was wrong or hadn’t thought things through for long enough. Unfortunately, although I am fully aware of my own confirmation bias, it still affects me. I try to listen to all sides, but I often give more credence to the stuff that agrees with me.

Even with ambiguous arguments that realistically could go both ways, I generally choose a position that I feel most aligned with and use that as the basis for my decision. Simple.

I like to research. I like to understand. Bur sometimes that just doesn’t help.

I’m in a situation where I just don’t know what to do. I have a sick dog. She’s the closest thing I will ever have to a child. Let me be very clear about this, she is not a replacement for a child – I chose not to have kids – but she has been like a child to me. I’ve had her since she was seven weeks old, taught her, worried about her, been frustrated by her but more than anything else loved her with my whole heart.

She’ll be 10 at the end of this month which is pretty old for a Leonberger. She has difficulty standing on her own as she has arthritis in her hips, she has an interdigital  cyst on her foot which is swollen and sore at the moment and she has had some recent breathing difficulties which she is on steroids for (and thankfully seems to be working). Because of these issues she’s not really into going out for a walk – actually that’s not quite true. She’s really like’s the idea of going out and will pester me to take her, but within half a dozen steps she’s ready to turn around and go home. In fact the only thing that seems to give her real pleasure is eating, and I can’t let her eat too much or it will make all of her symptoms worse.

So what can I do for her? She seems to want to be on her own (she’ll go into the kitchen or garden) but then she’ll whine until I go and sit with her and try to comfort her. I’m more than willing to do that, but I can’t spend my life sat on the kitchen floor (normally in a puddle of water – if you know Leo’s you’ll know they seem to be happiest when splashing in water).

I don’t believe it’s time to say goodbye to her yet, though I also know it won’t be too far away. I’m doing what I can for her but it doesn’t feel like enough.

I don’t know what to do – and it’s killing me.

It makes me feel sad, helpless and useless. These are not feeling I like.

I wish someone would just tell me what to do. More than that though I wish I could make her better, and I can’t.

I know I need to learn to accept this – and that will probably make me feel better – but I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to accept that I can’t make my little girl feel good.

As with all crappy experiences, it does give me more empathy though. I know what I’m feeling is bad, but I can’t imagine what this feeling is like for people who are taking care of sick or dying relatives, be they partners, parents or children. The idea of this feeling being magnified seems like pure torture to me.

All I can do is what I can. I will continue to love her, be with her, comfort her and help her in any way I can think of. It may not always make things better, but it’s all I’ve got.

I wish I had more.

 

 

My Happy Jar

This is the latest post about my Happy Jar. It’s been a little while since I posted an update on this, but don’t worry there’s still plenty going in the jar 🙂

The Happy Jar is a way to look back and remember all the little things that make us happy.

The idea came from a nice story I once heard about a woman who had a jar. Every time she thought of something that made her happy, she would jot it down on a piece of paper and put it in the jar. Whenever she felt down, or fed up, she would go to her jar and find all the things that made her happy. Some things were big things, events that happened that she could look back on and smile, but most were little things that she could cherish and maybe even recreate to make her feel better.

So here are a few things from my Happy Jar this month.

A pink sunrise (yes I know, red sky in the morning – shepherds warning, but it’s still pretty)

Catching up with old friends at a house warming

Seeing friends happy – on a new journey, full of excitement and anticipation.

Fresh Blueberries in my porridge for breakfast.

A gift to myself being delivered.

The smell of freshly cut grass after it has rained.

Seeing my old dog act like a puppy when she finds a new walk.

Listening to an album I haven’t played in years (and still remembering the words).

Sprouting seeds.

Finding an old friend on social media.

Getting my nerd on with a friend.

Finding out that some amazing shoes I want actually come in my size (I’m 6ft tall and have size 9 feet)

Getting great feedback from a post

Getting caught in the rain and running for cover (then getting home and dry!)

Rediscovering a joy in drawing.

I know none of these things are amazing, there is nothing earth shattering about them, but all of them have made me smile and brought a least a little joy to my soul.

What will you put in your happy jar this month?

How to influence people

My Job is to influence people.

I’m a Hypnotherapist and people pay me to influence the way they think and feel, so I’ve learned a few tricks along the way.

One of the least successful methods to get anyone to change is to tell them to, yet that seems to be what most people do most of the time.

Another thing people think will work is to explain things to people. They believe that if the other person just understands that what they are thinking/doing is wrong then they will change their behaviour. Unfortunately, this rarely works either. Take smoking for instance. We all know that smoking is damaging to us, and that we are likely to suffer ill health if we do it, yet there are still millions of smokers in the world. Telling them so stop doesn’t work. Explaining that it is bad for them doesn’t work. So what does?

Generally speaking, the best way of influencing someone (who isn’t hypnotised) is by leading by example.

If someone has a phobia of spiders there is a pretty good chance they were influenced into this way of thinking by someone close to them who was also scared of spiders. They saw this person freak out and subconsciously decided that this was a good way to react. Conversely if a person with an existing phobia is surrounded by people who are calm and relaxed around spiders, they may start to feel more relaxed themselves.

I had a client the other day who desperately wanted their partner to come for a hypnotherapy session with me. The partner was adamant that it wasn’t for them and refused point blank to even think about it. So my client booked 3 sessions with me to work on an issue she had. She went home after each session and told her partner how good it was making her feel and how much she was gaining from it. By the third session, he was asking if he could take her place.

When I was 11 years old I was told by a headmaster that the best piece of advice he could give me was to choose my friends wisely. It was a great piece of advice. Not only have my friends helped me through some difficult times and made good times better, but they have also influenced me. They have shaped my ideas and beliefs, they have led by example and I have learned so much from them. If I had chosen other friends, who knows where my life would have taken me. My advice to you would be to choose friends you respect. Choose friends you care about. Choose friends you want to be like.

If you want to influence someone be the example. Be their friend and show them by your words and more importantly your actions how good life can be. Show them what it is to be strong, caring, committed, healthy, reliable, responsible, fun, interesting and non judgemental. It may take some time, but you will be amazed at the impact it can have.

Everyone said

Here’s my weekly poem – I hope you enjoy it

It Couldn’t Be Done

BY EDGAR ALBERT GUEST

Somebody said that it couldn’t be done

      But he with a chuckle replied

That “maybe it couldn’t,” but he would be one

      Who wouldn’t say so till he’d tried.

So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin

      On his face. If he worried he hid it.

He started to sing as he tackled the thing

      That couldn’t be done, and he did it!

Somebody scoffed: “Oh, you’ll never do that;

      At least no one ever has done it;”

But he took off his coat and he took off his hat

      And the first thing we knew he’d begun it.

With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin,

      Without any doubting or quiddit,

He started to sing as he tackled the thing

      That couldn’t be done, and he did it.

There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done,

      There are thousands to prophesy failure,

There are thousands to point out to you one by one,

      The dangers that wait to assail you.

But just buckle in with a bit of a grin,

      Just take off your coat and go to it;

Just start in to sing as you tackle the thing

      That “cannot be done,” and you’ll do it.

Colour impact

Millions of pounds of research goes into what colours you see.

Manufacturers and merchandisers choose colours that have the biggest impacts.

Red and yellow are supposed to make us feel hungry

Blue makes us feel trust and is often associated with technology

green with makes us think of nature

etc etc.

So, here’s how you make colours work for you….

Think of how you want to feel….

Now think of a place that makes you feel that way…..

Now think of a colour you associate with it……

Keep something that is that colour with you – ideally somewhere where you will regularly see it – a watch, nail varnish or a pen that you use can be easy ways of having a colour around you. You may not consciously think of how it makes you feel each time you see it, but your subconscious will get a little dose of whatever emotion you associate with that colour every time.

Think about how you want to feel, and make it happen 🙂

What’s in your closet?

Everyday you choose which clothes you will put on.

You make a decision based on your mood – maybe your in a bright mood, maybe in a sombre mood.

You make a decision based on the season – is it spring, summer, autumn or winter?

You make a decision based on what you will be doing that day – are you going to work, or going to play?

You make a decision based on what’s in fashion – what colour or cut?

You make a decision based on the weather – is it wet or dry?

You make a decision based on who you will be meeting – what will they think of your clothes?

You make a decision based on what you want to say about yourself – do you want others to think of you as flirty or not? Fun? Professional? Artistic? Corporate? Individual? Part of a group?….

Lots of decisions go to make up what clothes we will put on the outside.

So how much deliberate thought goes into what we will ‘wear’ on the inside?

What if we had a mental closet that we could take things out of?

What mood and thoughts do you want to take out into the world with you?

What will it say about you?

Does it fit the occasion?

Is it right for those around you?

When we put as much thought onto the inside as we do the outside we have more productive and positive times.

So, what will you get out of your closets to best prepare you tomorrow?

My Happy Jar

This is the latest post about my Happy Jar.

It’s a way to look back on things and remember all the little things that make us happy.

The idea came from a nice story I once heard about a woman who had a jar. Every time she thought of something that made her happy, she would jot it down on a piece of paper and put it in the jar. Whenever she felt down, or fed up, she would go to her jar and find all the things that made her happy. Some things were big things, events that happened that she could look back on and smile, but most were little things that she could cherish and maybe even recreate to make her feel better.

So here are a few things from my Happy Jar this month

Having a drink that I used to drink as a kid

Seeing a guy dressed as a vampire waiting at a bus stop

The smell of pine needles

Partying with friends

Making someone smile when they are in a bad mood

Achieving my blog a day for 90 days goal

Eating left over Halloween treats

A new note book full of clean empty pages

Getting great feedback from a client

Being at a fancy dress party where everyone has made an effort to have really great outfits

A dog running up to greet you, wagging it’s tail

The sparkle of fireworks in a dark sky

I know none of these things are amazing, there is nothing earth shattering about them, but all of them have made me smile and brought a least a little joy to my soul.

What will you put in your happy jar this month?

Want to change your mood?

So you want to change your mood…

What do you do?

Despite what you might think, there are options.

Our normal reaction to being in a bad or sad mood is to wallow in it. If you’ve been dumped, you listen to love songs or watch dodgy RomCom’s on DVD. If you’ve been betrayed you might think about it over and over, trying to work out why it happened. If you made a mistake, you might play it over in your mind or talk to friends about it. If you’re feeling anxious, you can keep running through worst case scenarios in you imagination.

Now, I’m not saying you should dismiss the emotions you’re feeling. It’s good to acknowledge them and to be open about how you feel, but at some point – sooner or later – you want to change how you are feeling. That’s when these techniques can help.

Pattern Interruption

If the way you feel is triggered by something, or takes on a sequence of events, then this can be a useful technique. When the trigger or the first part of the sequence occurs, do something else. Change the pattern. You can do that by changing the things you are thinking about – name 5 fruits, 2 bald men and a flower – or by changing the things you are doing – leave the room, go do some housework, go for a walk. Just changing the pattern allows your brain to realise that one thing does not necessarily lead to another.

Swoosh it!

Think about the thing that makes you feel the way you don’t want to. Imagine it in a TV screen in front of you. Now think about something that makes you feel the opposite of this. Imagine that scene as though it’s in the corner of the TV screen – kind of like picture in picture. Count to 3 in your mind, and on 3 Swoosh the little picture and the big picture so that they swap places. Repeat this as many times as it takes for you to find it difficult to see the image of the thing that makes you feel bad.

Listen to Happy Music

We all have our own personal anthems. They might be songs we listen to when we’re getting ready to go out, or the song that makes us jump up to the dance floor, or maybe it’s the one that makes you grab a hairbrush and sing along. What ever your anthem is, play it and play it loud. Dance, sing, shake your groovy thing and feel better.

Be with People

Be around other people and talk about them. Don’t focus on your stuff, focus on theirs. Listening to other peoples problems can put our own into perspective and allow us some time to get free of our own.

Meditate

One of the amazing things that meditation gives us is the ability to see emotions for what they are – just emotions. They don’t have to control us and we can accept them or reject them, and we certainly don’t have to let them control our actions. With meditation you can learn to let feelings and emotions come into our awareness, and then let them drift away again. Monks that practice mindfulness meditation have been scanned using MRI’s and it has been found that they have actually managed to change their brain structure and they are happier as a result.

So if you want to change your mood, what are you waiting for.

There are things you can do 🙂

Why Thinking You’re Ugly is Bad for You.

About 10,000 people a month Google the phrase, “Am I ugly?”

The answer is ‘NO’.

Another answer is ‘It doesn’t matter’

Check out this TED talk about why thinking you’re ugly is bad for you.

You’re not Perfect – and that’s OK

In the UK it’s the time of year that the A level results are released. Some 18 year olds will be thrilled that they have the grades they wanted to go to University, or to go for a course they wanted to do. Others will be devastated. They believe that their life is over.

They are wrong

Depression has been a hot topic of news this week because of the sad loss of Robin Williams. Some people seem to be angry or disappointed in him because he couldn’t stand to be alive any more. Some people are taking their pain out on those close to him, blaming them for not doing more.

They are wrong

Some people are beating themselves up for not being better, doing better, trying harder, working more….

…….for not being perfect

They are wrong

I’m not saying you shouldn’t try to do your best – Of course you should. You should try and be the best person you can be each and every day of your life. But you should also forgive yourself when you fail to achieve these goals sometimes.

Nobody is perfect – and you’re not Nobody!

So, give yourself (and those around you) a break. We all make mistakes, we all fall down, we are all a little broken. If you come across someone who is a little bit more broken than others, show them a little more care, give them a little more help, a little more latitude – even if that person is yourself.