New Year, New Me?

Hello beautiful people! How’s your New Year going so far?

Have you set yourself a load of New Year’s resolutions or are you planning on staying exactly as you currently are? If you’re perfect already, why change?

Most of us haven’t quite achieved the ‘perfect’ status as yet and so may have some things that we are working on – getting fitter, slimmer, happier, richer, calmer, more motivated or maybe even just working on blogging more!

I’m a big fan of learning, growing and self improvement, but more importantly than all of that I’m an advocate of being kind to yourself.

I see lots of clients with various issues that they are looking to change. One of the most common factors that runs through all of them is a lack of self kindness. When I hear the words people use about themselves it horrifies me. I honestly believe that most people are bullies.

As a society, we generally frown on bullying. We dislike it when people use aggressive or hurtful language to each other. We cringe when people call other people names. We are against shaming people – and yet we seem to do it to ourselves all the time.

See if you can recognise any of these thoughts…

I’m not good enough

I hate myself

I’m so stupid

I’m fat and disgusting

I’m too thick to do that

I have no self control

I am so embarrasing

I’m useless

Now imagine saying that to someone you care about? Would you say any of this to someone you love?

You’re not good enough

I hate you

You’re so stupid

You’re fat and disgusting

You’re too thick to do that

You have no self control

You’re so embarrasing

You’re useless

Sounds pretty awful right? I know if someone spoke to me that way I wouldn’t want to hang out with them and I certainly wouldn’t call them motivational or helpful.

When I think about motivational work, I think about supportive, helpful language. Words that will encourage and lift the person hearing them. Things like…

You CAN do this

You can achieve anything you set your mind to

It’s a learning process, keep trying

Everyone has to start somewhere

You are in control

We all make mistakes, forget it and move on

I’m proud of the effort you are putting in

Look how far you’ve come

These things sound more like something I would say to a friend or someone I cared about. Think about how these words would make you feel compared to the earlier list.

For most of us, changing the way we speak to ourselves takes some practice. The chances are that we have been using bullying language for a long time, so it may take a concerted effort to change your internal dialogue – and that’s OK. It’s a learning process. Don’t give up, you are in control. If you even give this a go I will be so proud of you for trying to make a positive change – you CAN do this!

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Changing the way that you think and feel can sometimes be challenging when you are trying to do all the work yourself. If you need a helping hand, take one! There are plenty of people like me who are professional therapists who’s passion in life is to help people like you feel the way you want to. Hypnotherapy is a great tool to take some of the hard work out of these sort of changes.

 

 

The power of belief

Belief is a powerful thing.

We all believe in things.

Some people believe in God who has a hand in their life.

Some people believe that they are lucky.

Some people believe that everything happens for a reason.

Some people believe in fairies.

Some people believe that the sun will come up tomorrow.

Some people believe in themselves.

Sometimes the things we don’t believe in are just as powerful.

What if you don’t believe in yourself?

Do you try anyway?

What if you don’t think you can do it?

Do you give up at the first hurdle because it just proved to you that it was impossible?

What if you don’t believe you’re lucky?

Does every bad thing that happens confirm that you were right?

We all have something called confirmation bias.

That means that we give extra attention and credit to things that confirm what we already think.

For example have you ever noticed that if you don’t like someone, almost everything you do annoys you. yet if a person you really liked did exactly the same thing it probably wouldn’t bother you (well, not as much anyway).

So when we don’t believe in ourselves our confirmation bias just makes it even harder to believe.

As a hypnotherapist, I often work with people who don’t believe that they can do the things they want. Maybe it’s lose weight, maybe give up smoking, maybe be confident in public, maybe its to be unafraid around spiders. Whatever it is, the more they believe that they cannot do it, the more likely it is that they won’t.

Luckily I have a few tricks up my sleeve.

The first thing I have to do is to change their belief set.

Today I was working with a lovely lady who wants to lose weight. She said that she had been overweight since she was a small child. When we first started the session I asked her if she believed she could lose weight and she said ‘no’. When I asked her why she said that, she had never been a healthy weight, so didn’t see how she could be in the future. So, after finding out about her eating habits, how she felt about food and eating, going through her routines and requirements we started with the hypnosis. The first twenty minutes were all about changing her belief patterns – nothing whatsoever about eating, appetite or food. After we had worked on this I asked where she was now – how much did she believe that she could lose weight? She replied ‘90% sure’

So we went from 0 to 90% in 20 minutes.

We then went on to work on changing eating habits and food types and put in place all the things she needed in order to be able to lose weight easily.

The real work was done in the first 20 minutes. She now believes that she CAN lose weight. Her confirmation bias will prove to her every day that it’s possible and if she wants it, she WILL be able to do it. The other stuff was just making it easier for her.

Think about what you believe in and maybe more importantly, what you don’t.

It could change your life!

My Happy Jar

This is the latest post about my Happy Jar. It’s been a little while since I posted an update on this, but don’t worry there’s still plenty going in the jar 🙂

The Happy Jar is a way to look back and remember all the little things that make us happy.

The idea came from a nice story I once heard about a woman who had a jar. Every time she thought of something that made her happy, she would jot it down on a piece of paper and put it in the jar. Whenever she felt down, or fed up, she would go to her jar and find all the things that made her happy. Some things were big things, events that happened that she could look back on and smile, but most were little things that she could cherish and maybe even recreate to make her feel better.

So here are a few things from my Happy Jar this month.

A pink sunrise (yes I know, red sky in the morning – shepherds warning, but it’s still pretty)

Catching up with old friends at a house warming

Seeing friends happy – on a new journey, full of excitement and anticipation.

Fresh Blueberries in my porridge for breakfast.

A gift to myself being delivered.

The smell of freshly cut grass after it has rained.

Seeing my old dog act like a puppy when she finds a new walk.

Listening to an album I haven’t played in years (and still remembering the words).

Sprouting seeds.

Finding an old friend on social media.

Getting my nerd on with a friend.

Finding out that some amazing shoes I want actually come in my size (I’m 6ft tall and have size 9 feet)

Getting great feedback from a post

Getting caught in the rain and running for cover (then getting home and dry!)

Rediscovering a joy in drawing.

I know none of these things are amazing, there is nothing earth shattering about them, but all of them have made me smile and brought a least a little joy to my soul.

What will you put in your happy jar this month?

Word of the month

My word of the month for January is …

Habit

January is a time when a lot of people are trying to make new habits or break old ones. It’s that New Year, New Me stuff.

We are fast approaching the time when most New years resolutions fall by the wayside.

According to studies most people give up on their resolution by the 22nd of January. If you’re still going for it, well done, but if you’ve already let old habits slip back in, don’t feel to bad about it – these things happen.

In some ways I was surprised to find that the resolutions were broken after 3 weeks. We are often told that it takes between 2 and 3 weeks to make a break a habit, which would suggest that by the 22nd we should have that habit firmly established. So, what get’s in our way?

I think part of the problem is that we still have the habit of thinking about whatever it is we are trying to change.

Whether you are trying to diet or exercise, study more or worry less you eill find yourself thinking about ‘how it used to be’. This is a habit you are creating too.

What can you do about this?

The main thing you can do is notice that you are doing it. When you notice these thoughts popping into your head, think about what you are saying to yourself. Are you saying things like ‘I’d rather be doing…’ or ‘I’m missing out on…..’ or ‘I’d normally be eating….’ All of these are really tempting difficult thought patterns for you to deal with.

Imagine being on a diet and you have a best friend who was constantly with you. Every time you get hungry they say ‘some cake would be lovely around now’ or ‘that salad is rubbish compared to the takeaway we normally have on a Friday’ or ‘wouldn’t you rather have a biscuit?’

That would be really hard to deal with, and you’d probably fall of the wagon.

Now imagine that best friend was really supporting you. Instead of all that unhelpful talk they were saying things like ‘You are looking and feeling better every day’ or ‘That healthy choice you’ve made for dinner is helping you to get into those jeans you want’ or ‘I’m so proud of you sticking to your diet, even when it’s tricky’.

That friend is going to help you to achieve your goals.

Make a new habit to be your own best friend and think about what you are saying to yourself. Support yourself as you would a true friend and you’ll be surprised what you can do.

Sometimes it can be difficult to deal with negative thought patterns and this is where therapy and in particular CBT and Hypnotherapy can be very useful. With CBT you work on changing the negative thought patterns into positive ones by completing exercises to challenge your thoughts. With Hypnotherapy we use access to the subconscious to change these thought patterns in an easy way. There’s no reason not to get help with these things if you find them too difficult to do on your own. You used an instructor to teach you how to drive, why not use one to help you think in a productive, fulfilling way?

When it’s best to NOT be yourself.

Are you better at giving advice than working out how to deal with your own problems?

If so, you are not alone.

Most people are much better at working out a logical course of action for other people, than they are for themselves. When we start to look at our own problems we have all sorts of biases that kick in which move us towards less rational decision making.

So what to do about it?

Well the simple answer is – don’t be yourself!

If you are faced with a problem the best way to think of a solution is to pretend that you are someone else – a friend or relative who is giving advice on the issue. Either that, or pretend it’s your friend or relative that has the problem and that you are giving advice to them. This simple step of moving yourself away from being directly involved is enough to overcome a lot of the initial bias that would have led to irrational thought processes and decision making.

If your problem involves a conversation that you are going to have, it can be useful to set up some chairs and imagine that the conversation is happening in front of you. See the conversation happening as an outside observer. This can help you to see both sides more easily and make you less likely to become entrenched in your view. It is also helpful to imagine what body language and words are used and what effect they would have. By ‘seeing’ this ahead of time you can make clearer decisions about how you want to come across and how best to achieve the outcome or resolution that you are looking for.

so, next time your faced with a decision – why not give it a try?

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Wishing your life away

Do you ever think… ‘I wish things were different’?

I think most of us do at times. It would be a bit strange if we didn’t. Humanity has developed science and technology to help us to change things. The spirit of not being satisfied is what pushes us to new challenges, develop new idea, explore new lands, learn new skills.

The question I am posing today is ‘Do you get things to change by wishing for them to?’

I’m not sure that that’s the most effective way.

If I wished I lived in France, I could wish it and wish it and nothing would change. In order for me to make the move I want, I would be better off learning more of the language, looking for job opportunities, visiting different areas until I found one that worked for me, making it happen.

If I wish to be thin, I can wish on every falling star, every eyelash, every birthday candle, every wishbone until the end of time, but if I don’t change my eating habits and do some exercise, the weight isn’t going anywhere.

You get the idea.

Having said that I know that to a lot of people wishing is very important.

If you believe in Cosmic Ordering, that is effectively wishing something to the universe. I know that people swear by it and can give examples of how this has worked for them. I would argue that by keeping their wish in their thoughts, they are more open to looking for opportunities to make things happen. I don’t believe in Luck, but I do believe that some people appear to be luckier than others – I put this down to the same effect – some people are just more open to opportunities. The ‘Lucky’ person you know who is always winning things probably enters a lot more competitions than the person who complains that ‘they never win’. As the old adage goes ‘You’ve got to be in it to win it’

Some people would sayer prayer is a form of wishing, though others would describe it as asking a benevolent God for support or help. How you perceive this is entirely up to your belief system and not for me to comment on.

What ever you believe – in Wishing, in Luck, in Cosmic Ordering, in Prayer, I would suggest you get the best results when you DO something about it. So if you wish for something, plan for it, take action and MAKE it happen!

Becoming Smoke Free

You might think that saying ‘becoming Smoke Free’ is a strange way of saying quitting smoking, but in my world, words are important.

I’m a hypnotist and this is a popular time of year for people to come and see me about getting out of addictive behaviours and bad patterns – the will power is starting to wear thin, the new years resolutions are looking impossible and they are looking for a boost to help them to the ‘New Them’ they promised themselves on the First of January.

So why ‘Smoke Free’ instead of ‘Quitting Smoking’ or ‘Stopping Smoking’.

Well, the answer lies in the way we communicate with our subconscious mind.

Firstly let me explain a little about your subconscious.

Some people are sceptical about it’s existence. If you are one of them, ask yourself when you last thought about your hormone levels, about how fast your heart should be beating, about your oxygen saturation in your blood. Your subconscious (literally part of consciousness that is not currently in focal awareness) is always going about these and many other tasks that you never give a seconds conscious thought to.

Next I want you to think about a time when you’ve tried to change a habit or a thought process – for example trying to eat healthily. Your conscious mind knows that it a good decision to eat better, avoid junk food, drink more water. Your subconscious may not be on the same page and it wants sugar, fat, salt and lots of it, so whilst you ‘know’ that you shouldn’t eat the cake, part of your mind is arguing with you that it would be ‘Oh so nice to just have a little treat’. That internal argument is where the hypnotist comes in. Our job is to get your subconscious on the same page, to think the same way as your rational conscious mind.

Now there are some tricks to communicating with your subconscious.

To start with it really helps if you are hypnotised.

Then it’s about using the right language. Your subconscious works best when it communicates with images, sounds, smells, tastes, sensations and emotions.

Try to make your mouth water – go on give it a go.

If you just think about your mouth watering, there is very little chance anything will happen.

However, imagine with all the clarity you can that you have in front of you a big juicy lemon, and you cut that lemon into wedges. Smell the zesty citrus aroma. Imagine picking up one of those wedges, feeling the waxy yellow skin on you finger tips, seeing a drop of juice form on the edge. Think about what it would taste like if you put that into your mouth and bit into it.

Is you mouth watering now?

So comes to mind when you think about the word FREE?

Hopefully lots of positive images.

How about when you think of the word STOP or QUIT?

Maybe they’re not so good.

Another thing about our subconscious mind is that it’s not very good at following negative instructions, ones like stop, quit or don’t. For example what do you think of when I tell you ‘Don’t think about Pink Elephants’?

Hmmm

So that’s why when people come to me I don’t get them to Quit Smoking – I help them become Smoke Free Forever!

Talk Therapies is based in Coventry, England.

If you would like to become Smoke Free and would like a one to one appointment feel free to call me on 07429 749936 or check out the Facebook page at www.facebook.com/TalkTherapies