My Happy Jar

This is the latest post about my Happy Jar. It’s been a little while since I posted an update on this, but don’t worry there’s still plenty going in the jar 🙂

The Happy Jar is a way to look back and remember all the little things that make us happy.

The idea came from a nice story I once heard about a woman who had a jar. Every time she thought of something that made her happy, she would jot it down on a piece of paper and put it in the jar. Whenever she felt down, or fed up, she would go to her jar and find all the things that made her happy. Some things were big things, events that happened that she could look back on and smile, but most were little things that she could cherish and maybe even recreate to make her feel better.

So here are a few things from my Happy Jar this month.

A pink sunrise (yes I know, red sky in the morning – shepherds warning, but it’s still pretty)

Catching up with old friends at a house warming

Seeing friends happy – on a new journey, full of excitement and anticipation.

Fresh Blueberries in my porridge for breakfast.

A gift to myself being delivered.

The smell of freshly cut grass after it has rained.

Seeing my old dog act like a puppy when she finds a new walk.

Listening to an album I haven’t played in years (and still remembering the words).

Sprouting seeds.

Finding an old friend on social media.

Getting my nerd on with a friend.

Finding out that some amazing shoes I want actually come in my size (I’m 6ft tall and have size 9 feet)

Getting great feedback from a post

Getting caught in the rain and running for cover (then getting home and dry!)

Rediscovering a joy in drawing.

I know none of these things are amazing, there is nothing earth shattering about them, but all of them have made me smile and brought a least a little joy to my soul.

What will you put in your happy jar this month?

How to influence people

My Job is to influence people.

I’m a Hypnotherapist and people pay me to influence the way they think and feel, so I’ve learned a few tricks along the way.

One of the least successful methods to get anyone to change is to tell them to, yet that seems to be what most people do most of the time.

Another thing people think will work is to explain things to people. They believe that if the other person just understands that what they are thinking/doing is wrong then they will change their behaviour. Unfortunately, this rarely works either. Take smoking for instance. We all know that smoking is damaging to us, and that we are likely to suffer ill health if we do it, yet there are still millions of smokers in the world. Telling them so stop doesn’t work. Explaining that it is bad for them doesn’t work. So what does?

Generally speaking, the best way of influencing someone (who isn’t hypnotised) is by leading by example.

If someone has a phobia of spiders there is a pretty good chance they were influenced into this way of thinking by someone close to them who was also scared of spiders. They saw this person freak out and subconsciously decided that this was a good way to react. Conversely if a person with an existing phobia is surrounded by people who are calm and relaxed around spiders, they may start to feel more relaxed themselves.

I had a client the other day who desperately wanted their partner to come for a hypnotherapy session with me. The partner was adamant that it wasn’t for them and refused point blank to even think about it. So my client booked 3 sessions with me to work on an issue she had. She went home after each session and told her partner how good it was making her feel and how much she was gaining from it. By the third session, he was asking if he could take her place.

When I was 11 years old I was told by a headmaster that the best piece of advice he could give me was to choose my friends wisely. It was a great piece of advice. Not only have my friends helped me through some difficult times and made good times better, but they have also influenced me. They have shaped my ideas and beliefs, they have led by example and I have learned so much from them. If I had chosen other friends, who knows where my life would have taken me. My advice to you would be to choose friends you respect. Choose friends you care about. Choose friends you want to be like.

If you want to influence someone be the example. Be their friend and show them by your words and more importantly your actions how good life can be. Show them what it is to be strong, caring, committed, healthy, reliable, responsible, fun, interesting and non judgemental. It may take some time, but you will be amazed at the impact it can have.

Everyone said

Here’s my weekly poem – I hope you enjoy it

It Couldn’t Be Done

BY EDGAR ALBERT GUEST

Somebody said that it couldn’t be done

      But he with a chuckle replied

That “maybe it couldn’t,” but he would be one

      Who wouldn’t say so till he’d tried.

So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin

      On his face. If he worried he hid it.

He started to sing as he tackled the thing

      That couldn’t be done, and he did it!

Somebody scoffed: “Oh, you’ll never do that;

      At least no one ever has done it;”

But he took off his coat and he took off his hat

      And the first thing we knew he’d begun it.

With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin,

      Without any doubting or quiddit,

He started to sing as he tackled the thing

      That couldn’t be done, and he did it.

There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done,

      There are thousands to prophesy failure,

There are thousands to point out to you one by one,

      The dangers that wait to assail you.

But just buckle in with a bit of a grin,

      Just take off your coat and go to it;

Just start in to sing as you tackle the thing

      That “cannot be done,” and you’ll do it.

The Blogging Habit

Most of the people reading this will be bloggers.

There are many reasons for people to blog. Some want to shout into empty space, some want to unload to a place where no one knows who they are, some just want to share their stories, but most of us want followers.

So why do we want followers?

For some people it may be affirmation that what they are saying is interesting. For others it may be a boost to their egos. Others are using their blog to promote or sell something. Some may be trying to launch a writing career. What ever your personal reason to blog, if you want followers then you have to get into the habit of blogging regularly.

I know. I started this blog about 18 months ago and I had this silly idea that if I blogged once a month or so, somehow, people would magically find me and my stuff and would all want to know what was coming next. Some did, and for that I am genuinely grateful, but numbers were low. In retrospect, that wasn’t really very surprising. Firstly, there just wasn’t enough material there for people to get what they needed from my blog. Secondly, how were they supposed to know it was there?

In August last year I set myself a little blogging challenge. I decided that I was going to blog every day for 90 days. I didn’t have a goal for how may new followers or likes I wanted. I just knew I wanted to start a new blogging habit of writing EVERY DAY.

To start with it was relatively easy. I was full of enthusiasm and ideas that came pouring out. About 3 weeks in it started to get a little harder. I struggled to think what I would write about, I was worried about repeating myself, I started to make excuses for why I shouldn’t complete my 90 days.

Then I made a plan.

I wrote down a little blogging plan. I thought about topics that I could add to each week. I thought about big ideas that could run and run. I thought about fun things that I liked writing about. All of a sudden I had mapped out the next couple of months topics and I was back to feeling excited about it.

I’m not saying I always stuck to the plan. Sometimes a new and exciting idea would come along or maybe something would happen in the news that inspired me, but I always had something to write about.

Before I knew it my 90 days were up, and do you know what I did to celebrate this milestone? I blogged about it!

Blogging had become my new habit and I enjoyed it.

This works for blogging, but it also works for any other thing you might be wanting to change in your life. What we do is generally a matter of habit. So whether you are trying to make new habits or change old ones, make a plan, make it achievable and get on with it. Before you now it, it will just be something you do.

Then you get to reap the rewards.

If your habits change your body you’ll see it, If they change your mind, you’ll feel it, and if they change your wealth you’ll notice it.

What habits do you want to make or break that will leave you feeling better for 2015?

Here are some ideas.

Diet – eat 7 portions of fresh fruit and vegetables a day

Exercise – 30 minutes a day

Meditation – meditate daily

Blogging – blog daily

Business – build your online profile

Relationships – speak to at least one friend a day

Partner – compliment your partner at least once a day

Mindfulness – practice being in the moment daily

Hobby – spend some time each week doing something you enjoy

Experiences – try something new every week

Learning – learn a new skill

Little changes make large differences – where do you want to be in 2016? What are you doing to get there?

The Hollow Men, QI, a 90’s rock band and Franz Schubert – a strange journey into my mind.

I have always liked poems and songs working together.

I think a lot of song lyrics are the most beautiful prose and  lot of poems could be made more powerful with music, but what I’m really talking about here is when someone uses a line or two from a poem or play in their music, either to preface it, as a quote or to sum it up.

I was reminded of this the other day when I was listening to a TV program and the host said, “not with a boom but a whimper…” I thought – where’s that from? – It definitely rings a bell, so I hit google.

I quickly found the quote, ‘not with a bang but a whimper’ from T.S. Elliot’s The Hollow Men – a great poem, but not one I had been familiar with. When I got to the last verse it read…

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

There was that bell again, but this time it was the repetition of This is the way the world ends. Where did I know it from. A bit more searching and I found my answer.

There was a band in the 90’s called EMF. They released an album in 1991 called Schubert Dip, which included a track called Longtime. I was a fan at the time, but I probably hadn’t listened to this particular track for over 20 years. Yet here, sparked by a misquote of a poem, I had been drawn back to EMF who had themselves misquoted the poem at the start of one of their tracks. Their quote went

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a band…

Here is the song itself in case you’re interested…

Have a wonderful day, with your wonderful brain, making connections, remembering long forgotten things and generally following your thoughts 🙂

What’s your superpower?

What’s your Superpower?

A study that Albert Mehrabian undertook in 1971, suggested that the way we communicate face to face is made up from three components – what we say, the tone of our voice and the body language we use. Surprisingly, the words we use only make up a tiny part of the way we communicate with the bulk of it being taken up by our body language, or non-verbal communication.

• Words (the literal meaning) account for 7% of the overall message
• Tone of voice accounts for 38% of the overall message
• Body Language accounts for 55% of the overall message

There are certain non-verbal communication (body language) skills that each of us possesses in lesser or greater amounts.

There are six main skills within the way we use our body language and there are strengths and drawbacks associated with each:

Emotional Expressiveness.

Some people are naturally emotionally effusive. They easily convey their felt emotions through facial expressions, tone of voice, gestures, and body movement. The upside is that emotionally expressive people tend to be more popular, and can be the life of the party. The downside is that everyone knows what you are feeling. Importantly, emotional expressiveness is a key component of charisma and is related to what is called “dynamic attractiveness.”

You know this is your Body Language Superpower if people can always tell what you think about things or people, even though you think you are being diplomatic!

Emotional Control.

This is skill in monitoring and controlling the nonverbal expression of emotions and feelings, and being able to cover felt emotional states with a different, emotional “mask.” People high in emotional control are skilled emotional actors, but they may appear distant and “hard to read.” People with high levels of emotional control are like poker players—you never know what they are really feeling or thinking inside.

You know this is your Body Language Superpower if people often think you are difficult to read or if you are good at faking how you feel.

Emotional Sensitivity.

People skilled in emotional sensitivity are good at “reading” others’ non-verbal cues, and are able to easily detect others’ emotional states. As a result, those who possess a great deal of emotional sensitivity are seen as empathic; these are the persons whom others seek out when they are troubled or in pain. On the downside, possessing too much emotional sensitivity can make you prone to “emotional contagion”—feeling other people’s pain and emotional states to the extent that you become “infected” by their emotions.

You know this is your Body Language Superpower if you can always tell how other people are feeling and know if there is something that is upsetting them, even when they are trying to be normal.

Social Sensitivity.

This is a non-verbal skill with some elements of verbal and social competence. Social sensitivity it is the ability to “read” social situations, and to know how to behave appropriately in a wide range of social settings. It helps the skilled individual to understand the complexities of social interaction, and to anticipate others’ actions and behaviours.

You know this is your Body Language Superpower if people can read a room and can fit in in any kind of situation.

Skill in Deception.

The ability to lie successfully partly involves being able to tell a plausible verbal lie, but also requires the ability to portray oneself as honest. Research has determined that some people are successful liars simply because they look more honest overall, regardless of whether they are lying or telling the truth. Their non-verbal behaviour, which includes rapid speech, an expressive face, and fluid body movements makes certain skilled individuals better liars.

You know this is your Body Language Superpower if people can rarely if ever tell when you are lying!

Skill in Detecting Deception.

A very rare non-verbal skill is the ability to detect deception. Most people cannot detect deception at better than chance levels, but a very few individuals—what Paul Ekman and his colleagues call “wizards”—are able to detect deception through careful analyses of both verbal and non-verbal cues. This skill was portrayed in the TV seriesLie to Me.

You know this is your Body Language Superpower if you can always spot a liar – and not just because you have evidence to prove it!

90 day challenge

91 Days ago I set myself a little challenge.

I had started my blog almost a year before and had had posted once or twice a month. I had a few followers – Thank You – but to be honest it was going nowhere fast.

Part of the reason I started the blog was to increase the presence of my Website on the net (it was appearing at about page 9 on Google, or in other words, it was invisible), but the main reason was to share thought and ideas that came up through my Hypnotherapy Practice in Coventry, UK.

When I first started I found it easy to think of things to write about, but after a few weeks I started to struggle with subjects. I created a little plan of posts that I would write and when I sat down to make it I quickly realised that picking topics that I could write about for a week, or every Monday, made it much easier to do. I also found that I would think of things to write about, but when I sat down to blog, I forgot all of the plans I had made and would sit there scratching my head, so I started jotting the ideas down as I had them. Some of these turned out to be my favourite posts.

A lot of inspiration came from other bloggers. Following other people with similar feelings and thoughts gave me a great jump off point for my posts, and by linking to them I found a few new followers and occasionally got a reblog from them which gave me a much bigger audience.

Part of the fun is getting likes, comments, reblogs and followers. It’s great. I really enjoy getting that sort of feedback. It’s like getting a gold star from teacher every day – what’s not to love?

Most of the fun is sharing. I love knowing that I have made someone smile, or given them a bit of help that can make a difference to them. With sharing, with helping, comes personal gains. One of my original goals was to increase the profile of my website – it’s now on page 2 of Google – there’s still work to do, but it’s doing a lot better than it was, but more importantly than that, I feel that what I write is valued and that’s awesome.

When I was struggling to think of things to write, when I was feeling like it was hard work to post and on days when I didn’t really feel like sitting down and writing anything, I thought that the day my 90 days was up I would have a break. Well, as I said at the start, this is day 91, and here I am, writing away.

I have created a habit which I now really enjoy.

So I just wanted to take this opportunity to say Thank You to the 500+ people who have decided to follow this little blog in the last 90 days and to let you know how much I value your likes, blogs, follows and comments.

Want to change your mood?

So you want to change your mood…

What do you do?

Despite what you might think, there are options.

Our normal reaction to being in a bad or sad mood is to wallow in it. If you’ve been dumped, you listen to love songs or watch dodgy RomCom’s on DVD. If you’ve been betrayed you might think about it over and over, trying to work out why it happened. If you made a mistake, you might play it over in your mind or talk to friends about it. If you’re feeling anxious, you can keep running through worst case scenarios in you imagination.

Now, I’m not saying you should dismiss the emotions you’re feeling. It’s good to acknowledge them and to be open about how you feel, but at some point – sooner or later – you want to change how you are feeling. That’s when these techniques can help.

Pattern Interruption

If the way you feel is triggered by something, or takes on a sequence of events, then this can be a useful technique. When the trigger or the first part of the sequence occurs, do something else. Change the pattern. You can do that by changing the things you are thinking about – name 5 fruits, 2 bald men and a flower – or by changing the things you are doing – leave the room, go do some housework, go for a walk. Just changing the pattern allows your brain to realise that one thing does not necessarily lead to another.

Swoosh it!

Think about the thing that makes you feel the way you don’t want to. Imagine it in a TV screen in front of you. Now think about something that makes you feel the opposite of this. Imagine that scene as though it’s in the corner of the TV screen – kind of like picture in picture. Count to 3 in your mind, and on 3 Swoosh the little picture and the big picture so that they swap places. Repeat this as many times as it takes for you to find it difficult to see the image of the thing that makes you feel bad.

Listen to Happy Music

We all have our own personal anthems. They might be songs we listen to when we’re getting ready to go out, or the song that makes us jump up to the dance floor, or maybe it’s the one that makes you grab a hairbrush and sing along. What ever your anthem is, play it and play it loud. Dance, sing, shake your groovy thing and feel better.

Be with People

Be around other people and talk about them. Don’t focus on your stuff, focus on theirs. Listening to other peoples problems can put our own into perspective and allow us some time to get free of our own.

Meditate

One of the amazing things that meditation gives us is the ability to see emotions for what they are – just emotions. They don’t have to control us and we can accept them or reject them, and we certainly don’t have to let them control our actions. With meditation you can learn to let feelings and emotions come into our awareness, and then let them drift away again. Monks that practice mindfulness meditation have been scanned using MRI’s and it has been found that they have actually managed to change their brain structure and they are happier as a result.

So if you want to change your mood, what are you waiting for.

There are things you can do 🙂

Pleased to meet you

Do you enjoy meeting people?

A lot of people don’t. They suffer from social anxiety.

To a sufferer, the idea of meeting new people can be horrifying. Even being in groups of people that they know can leave them feeling uncomfortable. I help a lot of people who suffer from this using hypnotic techniques to help them relax and feel more at ease in these situations.

Even as a socially comfortable person, we don’t always take full advantage of meeting new people. Every person you meet is an opportunity for you to forge a new relationship. This relationship may help you personally, professionally, financially or spiritually and it it important, if you want to make the most of this, that you make the best first impression that you can.

The first thing to think about is ‘what sort of impression do I want to create’

Do you want to be seen as creative and free spirited or would you prefer to be seen as serious and level headed?

Do you want to be perceived as someone who is looking for something, or someone who can provide something others may be looking for?

The next thing to think about is ‘how am I going to communicate this?’

It can be a bit odd if you meet someone new and you introduce yourself by telling them that you are a kind, trustworthy person who is looking to connect – so how do you say this, without saying it?

The answer is with a story.

Find a personal story that lets the other person know a little bit of who you are.

If I was trying to relay the information that I mentioned above I might tell them a tale of a friend who I was chatting to who mentioned that they have difficulty meeting new people. I would say that in this conversation I had told them not to worry about the impression that they gave off, as people are generally good at seeing genuine, goodhearted people and that I had found that among my friends a lot of people worried about this unnecessarily. I might then go on to say how pleased I was that this wasn’t a problem for me as I loved meeting new people and found it really nice to form new friendships.

The thing about a story is that it uses something known as indirect suggestion. If you say to somebody – I’m nice – they may well question the fact that you feel that you needed to tell them that. It could leave them wondering if you are really nice at all. With an indirect suggestion – a story – about you being nice, they get to draw their own conclusion and are much less likely to question it.

You can tailor your story to create whatever impression it is that you want to give. Think about what you want to achieve before you go into the meeting and try to let the story come up in a natural way. If you just walk up to random strangers and start telling them each the same story, it could be a bit odd – so keep it easy, keep it natural and keep focused on what you are trying to achieve. That way, whether you are networking for business or fun, you will attract the right sort of people and create the impression that works best for you.

Why not try it today? I’d love to know how it works out for you, and if you want to tell me your story I’ll let you know what impression I get from it…..

Have a great weekend.

You’re not Perfect – and that’s OK

In the UK it’s the time of year that the A level results are released. Some 18 year olds will be thrilled that they have the grades they wanted to go to University, or to go for a course they wanted to do. Others will be devastated. They believe that their life is over.

They are wrong

Depression has been a hot topic of news this week because of the sad loss of Robin Williams. Some people seem to be angry or disappointed in him because he couldn’t stand to be alive any more. Some people are taking their pain out on those close to him, blaming them for not doing more.

They are wrong

Some people are beating themselves up for not being better, doing better, trying harder, working more….

…….for not being perfect

They are wrong

I’m not saying you shouldn’t try to do your best – Of course you should. You should try and be the best person you can be each and every day of your life. But you should also forgive yourself when you fail to achieve these goals sometimes.

Nobody is perfect – and you’re not Nobody!

So, give yourself (and those around you) a break. We all make mistakes, we all fall down, we are all a little broken. If you come across someone who is a little bit more broken than others, show them a little more care, give them a little more help, a little more latitude – even if that person is yourself.