I had a message from a client today who told me that she was doing something that she had not been able to do for a long time, thanks to some work that we had done together. I was thrilled for her, for changing her thinking and freeing herself from an old fear. Then she told me that she still didn’t feel confident and asked ‘How do I improve my confidence?‘
What a great question!
My first reaction was ‘Fake it ’til you make it’ – Let me explain.
When we start to do something new, we often don’t feel very confident about it. We are learning the rules, how it works (or doesn’t work) and what to do. As we get more accustomed to situations, we become more assured, as we feel like we understand what is expected from us and how we will deal with things if they go wrong. We know the script.
When we ‘Fake it’, we create the illusion of confidence. Part of the illusion we create is our body language.
Here’s a little exercise for you.
Stand up and fake (or act) being nervous or anxious. Notice the shape of your body. Are your shoulders back or hunched over? Is your head up or are you looking down? If you step forward to you take a large or small step? How’s your breathing?
Now, change it up and fake being confident. Notice the same things about your body?
How does each make you feel? How would other people react to the body language you are portraying?
I want to look at each of these separately – first, how does it make you feel?
Our minds and our bodies are in a constant state of biofeedback. That means that what we think affects our body and what our body does, affects what we think. When you get scared about something it affects your body – your heart rate increases, you breath more shallowly and faster and you get butterflies in your stomach. Weirdly, if you create these sensations in your body artificially, say through drug use, you can create anxiety. One affects the other. So, by creating the sort of body language a confident person would demonstrate, we can give our thoughts a confidence boost.
Secondly, how do people react to you? Most people will take you at face value. If you look confident they will assume that you are confident. They will then infer that you are confident because you are a strong capable person who knows how to handle themselves. If you look anxious they will assume you are anxious and that you have a reason to be anxious. They will treat you accordingly. If they are a kind and generous person they may offer to help you. If they are a bully or an aggressor they may see you as a potential victim. We then receive the feedback from the people around us and that in turn affects our own feelings. If you are constantly being bullied it will impact on your self-confidence in a negative way, just as if you are always the one who people turn to it in a crisis, you will feel your self confidence improve.
Another way you can work on confidence is to understand your own feelings and emotions better. Mindfulness techniques can be incredibly powerful tools to do this.
In the end, the best way to improve your confidence is to repeat whatever it is you are doing until you become really good at it, but to speed the process up, a little bit of faking it can go a long way.
If you have ever asked yourself ‘How do I improve my confidence?’ and a bit of ‘fake it ’til you make it’ isn’t cutting it for you, you may want to see a therapist. Don’t get caught in a cycle of fear – take the step and get yourself moving forward in a positive way.
2 responses to “How do I improve my confidence?”
Thanks for your enlightening post. I suffer from social anxiety and for as long as I can remember hated lifting my hand in class to give the answer or speaking in front others for fear of saying the wrong thing. My social anxiety led me to alcohol addiction to gain confidence the wrong way. It’s been a long journey of recovery before I found confidence. I joined AA to become sober and I was faced with sitting in a circle with others sharing problems. It was nerve-wracking. I didn’t say anything for 6 months before I found my voice to speak. I worked with a psychologist to gain more confidence and as much as I want to say this cured me, I don’t think it did. I still despise public speaking but I force myself to speak at every meeting, I try not to be too hard on myself if I say something wrong, or my voice shakes a bit. Repetition was the only thing that worked for me and still does. Sadly social anxiety does not go away we just learn how to live with it.
Thanks for commenting. First of all – Well Done you! You’ve been on a tough journey, but you’ve made some amazing steps to get yourself to a better place. I know how hard it can be to make that first move and speak up, so Yay to you for doing it. I love the fact that you try to be kind to yourself – keep that up. Be as forgiving to yourself as you would be anyone else.
I think social anxiety can go away – I know I’ve changed the way I feel massively, but it does take time and patience as well as persistence. Do the work, take the steps and see how things change.
You’ve got this 🙂
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