I don’t know what to do – and it’s killing me.

I’m naturally a decisive person. I listen to the information, choose a course of action and go with it.

It’s not always a good thing. Sometimes I make up my mind too quickly and it can take me a long time to realise I was wrong or hadn’t thought things through for long enough. Unfortunately, although I am fully aware of my own confirmation bias, it still affects me. I try to listen to all sides, but I often give more credence to the stuff that agrees with me.

Even with ambiguous arguments that realistically could go both ways, I generally choose a position that I feel most aligned with and use that as the basis for my decision. Simple.

I like to research. I like to understand. Bur sometimes that just doesn’t help.

I’m in a situation where I just don’t know what to do. I have a sick dog. She’s the closest thing I will ever have to a child. Let me be very clear about this, she is not a replacement for a child – I chose not to have kids – but she has been like a child to me. I’ve had her since she was seven weeks old, taught her, worried about her, been frustrated by her but more than anything else loved her with my whole heart.

She’ll be 10 at the end of this month which is pretty old for a Leonberger. She has difficulty standing on her own as she has arthritis in her hips, she has an interdigital  cyst on her foot which is swollen and sore at the moment and she has had some recent breathing difficulties which she is on steroids for (and thankfully seems to be working). Because of these issues she’s not really into going out for a walk – actually that’s not quite true. She’s really like’s the idea of going out and will pester me to take her, but within half a dozen steps she’s ready to turn around and go home. In fact the only thing that seems to give her real pleasure is eating, and I can’t let her eat too much or it will make all of her symptoms worse.

So what can I do for her? She seems to want to be on her own (she’ll go into the kitchen or garden) but then she’ll whine until I go and sit with her and try to comfort her. I’m more than willing to do that, but I can’t spend my life sat on the kitchen floor (normally in a puddle of water – if you know Leo’s you’ll know they seem to be happiest when splashing in water).

I don’t believe it’s time to say goodbye to her yet, though I also know it won’t be too far away. I’m doing what I can for her but it doesn’t feel like enough.

I don’t know what to do – and it’s killing me.

It makes me feel sad, helpless and useless. These are not feeling I like.

I wish someone would just tell me what to do. More than that though I wish I could make her better, and I can’t.

I know I need to learn to accept this – and that will probably make me feel better – but I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to accept that I can’t make my little girl feel good.

As with all crappy experiences, it does give me more empathy though. I know what I’m feeling is bad, but I can’t imagine what this feeling is like for people who are taking care of sick or dying relatives, be they partners, parents or children. The idea of this feeling being magnified seems like pure torture to me.

All I can do is what I can. I will continue to love her, be with her, comfort her and help her in any way I can think of. It may not always make things better, but it’s all I’ve got.

I wish I had more.

 

 

My Happy Jar

This is the latest post about my Happy Jar. It’s been a little while since I posted an update on this, but don’t worry there’s still plenty going in the jar 🙂

The Happy Jar is a way to look back and remember all the little things that make us happy.

The idea came from a nice story I once heard about a woman who had a jar. Every time she thought of something that made her happy, she would jot it down on a piece of paper and put it in the jar. Whenever she felt down, or fed up, she would go to her jar and find all the things that made her happy. Some things were big things, events that happened that she could look back on and smile, but most were little things that she could cherish and maybe even recreate to make her feel better.

So here are a few things from my Happy Jar this month.

A pink sunrise (yes I know, red sky in the morning – shepherds warning, but it’s still pretty)

Catching up with old friends at a house warming

Seeing friends happy – on a new journey, full of excitement and anticipation.

Fresh Blueberries in my porridge for breakfast.

A gift to myself being delivered.

The smell of freshly cut grass after it has rained.

Seeing my old dog act like a puppy when she finds a new walk.

Listening to an album I haven’t played in years (and still remembering the words).

Sprouting seeds.

Finding an old friend on social media.

Getting my nerd on with a friend.

Finding out that some amazing shoes I want actually come in my size (I’m 6ft tall and have size 9 feet)

Getting great feedback from a post

Getting caught in the rain and running for cover (then getting home and dry!)

Rediscovering a joy in drawing.

I know none of these things are amazing, there is nothing earth shattering about them, but all of them have made me smile and brought a least a little joy to my soul.

What will you put in your happy jar this month?

Nightmare or adventure – it’s all about attitude!

For those of you that have not met my dog yet – this is Flump.

The thing she loves doing most in the world is getting in the Big Blue Car and going on an adventure.

She doesn’t care where that adventure takes her, as long as there are new things to sniff and preferably some trees and grass to explore.

She doesn’t care what the weather is like – literally – rain, sleet and snow are no obstacles to her. Gale force winds just make her fur fly around in interesting patterns, and freezing temperatures mean that she can run around more before she gets hot. Admittedly blazing sunshine can be a bit of an issue, but if there’s one thing my dog can always do, it’s find water. Puddles, lakes, streams, canals and dirty ditches are all fair game in Flump’s book. She can’t always find her own way out of them, but I swear you could send her into the Sahara Desert and she’d come back dripping.

Today was no exception.

She looked as though she was going to burst with excitement as we were getting ready to go out in the Big Blue Car. She get’s walked every single day – without fail – but the Big Blue Car is normally reserved for weekends. Today was a Bank Holiday though, so bonus Big Blue Car time was available.

She literally bounces up and down with excitement over the prospect of a trip in the Big Blue Car.

That’s no mean feat when you weigh 60 Kg and are in your dotage, but it does’t stop her.

Sometimes it makes her hurt her paw, but still, up and down she bounces.

So, today, with much excitement and flying of fur, we went of to explore somewhere new.

We got lost, we got stuck in holiday traffic jams, we got a flat tire and had to change in on a lay-by on the motorway.

Do you think Flump cared?

Not one jot.

She got to sniff new sniffs and have an adventure.

I love her attitude.

And she loves the Big Blue Car.

Have a great week – find adventures where you can x

Mighty March

I love March.

I probably have more reason than most, as it’s my Birthday month, but I think I would love it anyway.

March means the start of spring.

March means things are starting to grow again.

March means it’s getting warmer

March means moving forward with purpose.

The winter hibernation is nearly over, the sun’s getting stronger and so am I.

We often break the year down to seasons. March is the start of spring, a time of growth, renewal and fresh starts.

What will you grow?

What do you need to renew?

What aspect of your life needs a fresh start?

Be like the plants – start budding your ideas now so that they can grow and bear fruit later this year…

A good day for an adventure

That’s my dog.

Her name is Flump.

She’s an old girl now and she takes pain killers for her joints and walks slower than a slow thing.

Normally.

Today we travelled a little further afield.

I am very proud of my partner who is raising money for Mental Health by completing the 3 peaks challenge – that is climbing the 3 largest peaks in Scotland, England and Ireland in 24 hours.

To support him on his training, Flump and I accompanied him on a walk to Burton Dasset – more hills than mountains, but still a good bit of exercise. I admit to being concerned about taking Flump as she struggles with long walks and steep slopes, but we decided to see how she went.

Well,

she put me to shame.

She bounded up slopes, straining at the lead.

She stood on the top with the wind blowing through her hair,

then bounded back down them again, looking for the next place to go.

She walked, ran and climbed for an hour before we took her back to the car where she slept the sleep of a very contented pooch.

All the time I had been blaming her weariness on her age, but I think she was just bored.

She went on an adventure and she was like a puppy again.

Whatever your age,

whatever your condition,

go on an adventure,

and find your inner puppy.

2014 – It’s been a good year!

If you had to grade your year, what would it get?

I’ve been pretty pleased with 2014.

My health has been good (slight issue with plantar fasciitis, but nothing in the grand scheme of things)

My blog has grown considerably – Thank you guys – your support is amazing and I love you all.

My business turnover has doubled (not a big ask considering where it started from, but I’m still very pleased)

My partner and I have spent some great time with each other (including a fantastic meal or 5 along the way)

Our dog is getting old, but we have been lucky enough to enjoy her for another year.

I have learned new things (creating websites, seo, hypnotic language patterns, marketing strategies, working with Parkinson’s Disease and much much more)

I have overcome obstacles.

I’ve held parties.

I’ve laughed with friends.

I’ve eaten more than is good for me 😦 but really enjoyed it 🙂

I want to have a great year in 2015 too.

I want to set goals so that I have things to achieve, but I also don’t want to set too many expectations as part of the joy of living is going where the wind takes you…so here goes

1. I want to improve my fitness – maybe start pilates.

2. I want to double my turnover for the business again.

3. I want to have over 1000 followers on my blog.

4. I want to enjoy spending time with my partner, my dog and my friends.

5. I want to learn a new skill that will help someone else.

6. I want to change one thing each month that will improve mine or someone else’s life.

I’d love to know how your year has been and what plans you have for next year – and if I can help in any way – let me know!

Thank you 2014, you’ve been great.

FRIDAY GOOD NEWS STORY

Jasper the dog found after social media campaign goes viral

Border Collie Jasper vanished on Sunday when out for a walk up Scafell Pike in the Lake District with his owner Adam Nolan.

Adam was desperate when Jasper went missing and posted on Facebook to alert people to keep an eye out for him if they were in the area. This got reposted thousands of times and people came from over 100 miles away to aid in the search.

Adam got up at dawn every day and searched until dark to no avail, but was joined by a mountain rescue team, helicopter, police and dog lovers who continued to search for him and he was found on Thursday at 2.00 a.m. when a mountain rescuer spotted his eyes by torch light. Jasper’s paws were bloodied from scrabbling around on the mountain so the rescuer, a man called Geoff Horky, carried him down to be reunited with Adam.

The love and devotion showed by Adam struck a chord with thousands of others who did what they could to help. Even after he was found this shining example motivated even more to generosity in donating to mountain rescue to help others who may need it in the future.

A JustGiving page set up by Mr Nolan to raise money for the rescue team had raised more than £25,000 by 19:00 GMT.

If you would like to support Mountain Rescue in the UK, please check out the link here to find out more.

That Friday feeling

Those of you that follow my little blog will know that I like to post a good news story on a Friday.

It often involves a charity or people just being good Samaritans – this one is both.

I happily admit to being a sucker for any kind of animal charity – dogs in particular – as I think they are one of the most beautiful, loving, trusting animals on the planet and it shames humanity that we don’t always treat them in the same way.

The video above was posted by Hope for Paws, founded by Audrey and Eldad Hagar who have been fostering hundreds of animals in their home for the past eight years.They created Hope for Paws to help animals in this the U.S. who suffer and die every year because of negligence and abuse.

The fact that the dog in the video was in no way aggressive, despite the fact that it had clearly had a difficult time, just makes my admiration for a furry friends grow even more. I think we could all learn a lot from them.

If you want to commit to a Random act of Friday Kindness, giving to or helping out at an animal charity could make all the difference.

Have a fantastic Weekend.

Ω