Self Care Advent Calendar Day 18

Hi peeps – how are we all doing? With just one week to go to the big day, I’m hoping you’re all feeling pretty good.

A lot of what Christmas is about is relationships. If you’ve been watching a few cheesy Christmas films, you may have noticed that the heart of them all is the connection of one person with another,  and our connections to other people, whether family or friends are a significant factor in our happiness.

As with most things, what works for one person may not work for another, but those relationships are important to everyone – it’s just the numbers that vary. Some of us are happy with just a few people in our circle, some need many. The more people you have, the more work it takes to keep those relationships alive, and sometimes people get lost along the way.

Think back over the last 10 years or so. Have there been significant people in your life that have drifted away? I’m not talking about those we have lost because they have passed away (as heart breaking as it is, we have to learn to move on without them) but those we have lost to distance, time or disagreements.

Confession time – I’m not the best person at staying in touch with friends. There is a little insecurity there…a part of me believes that they’re probably not that keen on me so I don’t want to push to make arrangements in case they think of it as a drag or hassle. There’s also a little laziness…it take effort to stay in touch with people. There’s a drop of negativity…they will probably not want to get together anyway, and there’s also a little selfishness…I quite like my own company and my own home. All of these things come together in me, meaning that it’s very easy for me to lose touch with people. If I want to maintain or renew these connections, I have to make a little effort to do so. But when I do, the rewards are outstanding.

Each New Year I make a list of New Year’s resolutions. One of them that remains on the list every year is to reconnect with at least one person who has been important to me.

It can be a little scary making that first step. What if they ignore us? What if they actively reject us? What if they don’t remember us? What if nothing comes of it? Well the answer to all of those questions have similar outcomes. If they go our way great, but if they don’t we are in no worse a position than when we started. That person is still not in our lives we now just have a clearer picture of why they’re not.

So today, my self care challenge to you is to reconnect with an old friend. Write them a message on facebook, send them a christmas card, text them, email them, hell, you could even give them or call or go and visit them. It can seem daunting but a quick hello could lead to the nicest Christmas you’ve had in ages.

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Social anxiety can reduce your ability to make and maintain relationships. This isn’t something that you have to live with. Please seek help from a qualified therapist to change how you feel so that you can enjoy life to the max. You really do deserve it.

Lean on me, I won’t fall over.

These are the lyrics of a song that means a lot to me. I’ve posted the lyrics rather than a you tube video, because I know the type of music will put some people off listening to it and I think that’s a shame. If you feel like it, I strongly recommend checking it out – it’s called lean on me, I won’t fall over and it’s by Carter USM. Everyone needs to lean on someone from time to time. Who’s there for you? Who are you there for? Do they know?

One of these days you’ll get away from London town
Causing chaos and delay on the underground
I’ll read your letter as I pass away the time
Stuck in a tunnel on the Hammersmith and City line

I’ll hurry home a little bored but still alive
Unplug the phone to keep the outside world outside
I’ll take some aspirin then I’ll take myself to bed
You’ll be gone and you’ll be dead, all because I never said

Lean on me I won’t fall over
I’m made of steel and stone cold sober
If you feel the need come over
Lean on me I won’t fall over

You’re off the wagon, you were never really on
Chasing the dragon like you’re
Saint f***ing George or someone
Stop punching walls don’t cut yourself
Shift some burden onto somebody else

Lean on me I won’t fall over
I’m made of steel and stone cold sober
If you feel the need come over
Lean on me I won’t fall over

Am I made of wood, am I too arrogant?
To be the last of the good Samaritans?
Stop punching walls, don’t cut yourself
Try shifting some burden onto someone else

Don’t give up hope if you think you can’t cope
We should keep in touch if it gets too much
Have faith in yourself for the sake of your health
Stop sniffing glue try something new
Confide in your friends you’ll get by in the end
If nothing else works have you tried the church?

I didn’t want to be so dozy, darling
I should have promised you a rosy garden
And told you life is sweet, stick around and enjoy it
Flush that stupid nonsense down the toilet
And lean on me I want fall over

Songwriters
CARTER, LESLIE GEORGE / MORRISON, JAMES NEIL

What are you defined by?

I read this cool post today… You are not defined by from The Persistent Platypus.

It talks about not being defined by your past, but by what good you do in the world – so what are you defined by?

For me it’s my little Family – my Partner and my Dog – they are my world and I hope I make them happy.

It’s also my friends – I have a small group of friends who mean a lot to me and a large group of friends that I have the most tenuous of connections with – but they are all important, as is the impact I have on them, so I try to make it positive.

It’s also my work. I’m lucky enough to do a job I love which helps people every day. As a Hypnotherapist I help people to make positive changes in their lives. Whether it’s helping them tackle personal problems or helping them achieve goals, I know I make a difference.

It’s also my community. I smile and say hello to people as I walk my dog. I chat to the people who serve me at the supermarket. I help out neighbours where I can. It’s not much, but when everyone does this we all get to live in a better place.

Am I changing the world – No.

Am I changing things for people – Yes.

I used to work in a bar. I’ve always been a chatty soul, and will happily make conversation with almost anyone. I’m sure it annoys some people.

After I stopped working in bars I started working for a Financial Institution. I was stood at the reception desk one day when a guy came up to me and asked if I used to work in a local bar. When I confirmed that yes, that was me, he asked if he could shake my hand. I laughed and said ‘of course’ – then asked ‘Why?’ His answer will stay with me for the rest of my life.

He said ‘I was suffering from depression. I had decided that I couldn’t go on any more and that I was going to kill myself. I was working up a bit of Dutch courage by having a drink in your bar, and you started chatting to me. It was the first conversation I’d had in ages. I decided to wait a bit before going through with the suicide. I came in every day for a week, and you always had a chat with me as I stood at the bar. That was 6 years ago, and I have never felt better than I do today. I promised myself if I ever saw you again I would shake your hand for saving my life’

I could tell you that I remembered these conversations, but I don’t. They were of no importance or significance to me at all. We probably talked about the weather or what had been on TV the night before. They were nothing to me – but everything to him.

Don’t undervalue a smile and a chat. Don’t think you don’t make a difference.

You do.

Mental Illness is not contagious

Don’t be scared about being around someone who has a mental illness – it’s not contagious!

You can’t catch it by being kind to them.

You can’t catch it by spending time with them.

You can’t catch it by asking them what you can do to help.

You can’t catch it by talking to them.

In actual fact you can’t catch it at all.

That’s not to say that it is always easy living with someone who has a mental illness. It can be hard, confusing, scary and frustrating because you want them to be well and struggle to understand how you can help and support them.

Help is out there.

Help is there for people struggling with mental illness and help is also there for people trying to support someone who is suffering.

Getting help doesn’t mean that you’re weak or that you can’t cope – it just means that it’s OK to make it easier on yourself.

If you had to move a piano down a flight of steps would you try and do it on your own? Maybe you could, but wouldn’t it be easier with some friends to help – or even better some people who’s job it was to move pianos. Those people have the tools, skills and experience to do it in the easiest way.

So if you know someone who is suffering – either personally or because they are trying to support someone who is – be a friend. Lend a hand, or an ear, or even a shoulder to cry on. I know it can be difficult to know what to say or do, but just ask them if they’re ok and let them know that you’re there if they need to talk. You might be the only one who does and it can make a world of difference.

Did you know that statistically the biggest killer of men under 50 in the western world is suicide. Notice that I said men not people.

That’s because men are much more likely to commit suicide than women.

Do you know why? Because women talk more.

If you walk into work and see a woman colleague in tears, it’s pretty likely that at least one other woman will gather her up, take her off to the toilets and talk to her.

Now imagine it was a male colleague – what would happen then?

It should be the same, but it’s not.

Talking doesn’t make the problem go away, but somehow it makes it easier to deal with. You get support, caring, understanding and find a way through. When you try and do it all alone, you find that you can get into very destructive negative thinking patterns and have no one there to offer a different perspective. The downward spiral can be fast and horrific but it can be stopped – just by talking.

If people can’t talk to friends or family encourage them to talk to someone else. Maybe it’s a doctor or therapist, maybe it’s someone on a help line – hell, maybe it’s a bartender, but talking is always good.